TUESDAY: RESPONSE PARAGRAPH #1

1/28/2014

Today, the students continued working on their 'NOVEL APPROACH RESPONSE PARAGRAPHS'. We reviewed proper paragraph structure and discussed inviting leads, supporting sentences, and concluding sentences. For more information and to recap what we covered, click and read through the web links below.

In addition to this, we started our gymnastics unit in PE. Our main focus today was using the equipment in the circuit safely and correctly in order to avoid any injuries that may have occurred otherwise. I wonder who will win our 'CANADIAN NINJA' challenge?

1.) MATH 6: Any assigned work. Check your teacher's website.
MATH 7: Watch this video on visualizing equivalent fractions.

2.) LA:

Complete your 'Novel Approach Response Paragraph' at home on your GOOGLE DOCUMENT that you worked on in class today.
You completed the Topic sentence (hook/intro) and many of you completed your supporting sentences in class today.
Most of you will simply complete your conclusions for your 'Response Paragraph'.
Use the following links to help you build your 'Response Paragraph'
Guidelines for Writing a Paragraph
Inviting Leads / Hooks
Types of Transition Words
Types of Conclusions
Supporting Sentences

5.) POST A RESPONSE:

After completing your LA homework, post your paragraph here so your classmates can read what you have written.
Read at least at least 1 other paragraph that has not yet received any feedback.
Give specific feedback to at least one of your classmates. Feel free to give feedback to as many students as you want.
Your feedback MUST include everything below. Make sure you type it out neatly:

1.) SPELLING: Specific word(s) that were misspelled.

2.) TRANSITION WORDS: Give some suggestions on ones that could possibly be used and
where the student can put them. Alternatively, indicate if a transition word was not used or
used incorrectly.

3.) STRUCTURE:
a.) Inviting Lead/Hook/Intro - Was it exciting and about the BIG IDEA? Give a specific
suggestion.
b.) Supporting Sentences - Did they include facts, quotes, examples, background knowledge,
connections? (At least 2 of them) Give a specific suggestion.
c.) Concluding sentence(s) - Did they use one of the clinchers used here?

WEB LINKS:

VIDEO LINKS:

Khan Academy - Visualizing Equivalent Fractions

Spongebob

1/28/2014 07:49:11 am

First

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 07:52:38 am

SECOND

Spongebob

1/28/2014 07:54:01 am

“Bark! Bark! The dog was cold, scared, and covered in water from rain. This was definently not a place for a dog to be alone, and I intended on taking it. I hope I am able to help this dog, becasue they say “what comes around, goes around”. According to http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/lif_hap_net-lifestyle-happiness-net only 75% of Canadians who took this survey are happy, which ranks them 17th in the world. This is important because we should try to be at a higher percent like 85%. The way to make others happy is by saying things that make then feel happy. Like in the story the people in the hospice got Cindy's puppy back and that made her happy. In addition to that, you should be happy, but also be nice to make others happy. For example a little while ago, I gave my friend Connor a cookie, and Connor was also nice and gave me a lollypop in return. It is important to be nice because then others around you feel happier, and if you are nice and make someone feel happy, then you will feel happy aswel. To conclude, being nice and happy are the best things feel or do. Now that you have heard that, will you try to be nice and happy?

Gamer

1/28/2014 07:58:42 am

I love the hook

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 08:01:51 am

@Spongebob - I like your introduction and it makes me read it more. I also liked how you put some stats and an example. One thing you can do is add more transitions because I only saw a few. Anyways good job!

Butterflypuppy

1/28/2014 08:14:07 am

To. SpongeBob

One spelling error I saw was make then feel happy and i think your story was good.
I think u could and a little more transition words in more parts because i saw only a couple.
I think your big idea was good but u could add a bit more detail.
I think u did well with your supporting your sentences but u could have said what some things were for example, my big idea is.
I think you did good with your conclude but i think you could add some more detail.

Teddy bear

1/28/2014 09:17:29 am

@Spongebob
I like your example and hook but you can said According to nation master.com.

Oracle

1/29/2014 12:56:04 am

The hook really got me reading and made me read through the whole thing just last night, I don't see any mistakes as I see so far. So good job Spongebob.

Gamer

1/30/2014 08:05:33 am

You took your time not just Rushing it I like that

SkaterBoi

1/30/2014 09:11:04 am

@ SpongeBob - You should of put the link on the bottom because when you put it in the middle of the paragraph I lost track where I was going.

Gamer

1/28/2014 07:56:08 am

I did it in point form. How smudge came

This is smuge a story about kindnesses and she is maid that works in the hospice and now that smuge is at the hospice now the people there are happy about smuge being there and now.

Who is Cindy?
She is a young adult. She is not in school and has a job.
She cleans; She probably doesn't have a lot of education. She likes her job and is proud of it.
She really likes Smudge. She is compassionate and feels really strongly about Smudge and Jan (a patient who is really sick and dying).

She lives in a group home, not with her Mom and Dad. The people who run the group home don't think she can look after a dog. They think that if she can't take care of herself, she can't take care of a dog.

Cindy only thinks she knows a few things. Cindy needs help from other people. Cindy thinks she can take care of Smudge but people at the house think she can't because she works all day at the hospice.

I think Cindy has a big heart. Carmen and Jan got Smudge from the SPCA. The puppy is going to live at the hospice. Cindy will be able to see it everyday when she is at work.

Sick people will be able to benefit from having Smudge around too (to make them happy, puppies can give love and kisses).

Yogi Bear

1/28/2014 11:26:02 am

1.) Spelling- You spelled Smudge wrong a couple of times and you forgot to capitalize Smudge.

2.) Transition Words- If you had written it in paragraph form instead of point form it would have been easier to add transition words. For example, when describing Cindy you could have used transition words such as also and additionally.

3.) Structure
a) Intro- You could have talked more about what you thought the big idea was, but overall you are on the right track.

b.) Supporting Sentences- You have good info and I can tell you understand the story, but you could've added some facts, quotes, examples, statistics, etc.

c.) Clincher- You just need to add a clincher.

Overall you did a great job :) @Gamer

Gamer

1/29/2014 01:19:53 am

How smudge came revised.

This is smudge a story about kindnesses and she is maid that works in the hospice and now that smuge is at the hospice now the people there are happy about smuge being there and now.

Who is Cindy?
She is a young adult. She is not in school and has a job.
She cleans; She probably doesn't have a lot of education. She likes and is her job and is proud is of it.
She really likes Smudge. She is compassionate and feels really strongly about Smudge and Jan (a patient who is really sick and dying).

She lives in a group home, not with her Mom and Dad. The people who run the group home don't think she can look after a dog. They think that if she can't take care of herself, she can't take care of a dog.

Cindy only thinks she knows a few things. Cindy needs help from other people. Cindy thinks she can take care of Smudge but people at the house think she can't because she works all day at the hospice.

I think Cindy has a big heart. Carmen and Jan got Smudge from the SPCA. The puppy is going to live at the hospice. Cindy will be able to see it everyday when she is at work.

Sick people will be able to benefit from having Smudge around too (to make them happy, puppies can give love and kisses).

Greg Heffley

1/31/2014 12:34:29 am

Good job. It has lots of details but thats basically all it is. It only has details about her and not many supporting sentences

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 07:57:24 am

Cookielover

1/28/2014 09:09:23 am

@ Crimson elite I think you could of made your intro a little longer and you supporting sentences, also add some more detail to it because it's great so far!

Cookielover

1/28/2014 09:13:07 am

Also your conclusion sentence is very good and I encorge on you revise.

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 09:40:55 am

Cindy always knows to be nice but one day, she finds a lonely dog barks in the cold and dark night, looking for a home. She doesn’t want to make trouble in the house or leave the stranded dog, but she decided to sneak the dog home. This is a story you will want to read.

To begin with, she works at a Hospice House which is a building for people who have terminal illness. Secondly, she cleans up after all of the patients while she is having fun. One, day her dog gets taken away because no one thinks she is responsible enough. Cindy probably felt like no one treated her how she treated them. On the other hand, the other workers at the Hospice House felt that same thing so they got her dog, Smudge back and they decided to keep it at the Hospice House leading to paws for health. One example I have is when I dropped my old video game system that I had liked, Cindy lost something that she liked as well. You should always follow Golden Rule, “One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.” You probably heard of it simply like “Treat others how you want to be treated.” One last example is @Juliette got his/her phone thrown in the toilet. And I think almost anyone in the world wouldn’t have liked that to happen.

To conclude, I think this book was really good and a bit confusing but at the end of the story, you know the whole point of it which is the Golden Rule. You should read the book yourself to know more.

Spongebob

1/29/2014 01:25:01 am

@Crimson Elite,
Your did a good job,
1) Spelling: You have no spelling mistakes
2) Transitions: You could have maybe transitioned it better from the hook paragraph and the body paragraph.
3) Structure: In some parts some of the stuff you said was sort of random, like out of nowhere you started talking about Julliete's phone.
Also maybe you could try to add a statistic aswel.

princesa

1/30/2014 08:01:53 am

i love your post but maybe you could show the big idea more because it sounds like you are just saying what the book is about.

Bobby Orr

1/31/2014 12:05:43 am

crimson elite

Maybe you could start with a more exiting hook to engage everyone a little more,

clincher try to add a really exiting one that makes people want to read more of the revised version.

really good job!

Butterrflypuppy

1/28/2014 07:59:16 am

How Smudge Came

First of all i would like to ask you do you like being treated with no respect well i don't so today u can relate to someone in a story that’s called how smudge came. My big idea for the story is I think its about being nice to others and sometimes the favor will be returned. One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say. -Bryant H. McGill Second of all my examples of evidence for my big idea someone got the puppy back for Cindy and that Cindy got to keep the puppy at the hospice where people appreciate it. If I was jan I would try to get the puppy back too. I also know someone like Cindy . A girl at my old school was like Cindy her name was Stella. As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. -John F. Kennedy In conclusion to my paragraph will u think more about being nice to others and be respectful

princesa

1/28/2014 08:11:07 am

good but you have a few lower case i and and some slang like u instead of you witch you should use. But other that that I thought it was really good

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 08:52:42 am

@Princesa - Good feedback but you didn't use your capitals and you used slang and finally you spelt which wrong as witch

Ichigo

1/28/2014 08:53:00 am

@ princesa - Just to point out, you did it too...

How? At the beginning of the sentence you didn't capitalize the first word, you repeated the word "and." Also, you spelled which wrong. Witch is a evil monster. Which is the proper word to use. You also repeated the word "that." And you should have put a comma after the word "That." Lastly you forgot a period.

Something to remember is that when you give feedback, make sure your feedback has the GIVENS.

Spongebob

1/28/2014 10:10:20 am

@ Butterflypuppy,
Good paragraph, but in the hook, you asked a question, but you forgot a question mark.
Also maybe you could have said why Stella is like Cindy.
Also maybe put in a few more transitions.
Lastly on the last sentence you forgot a question mark.

Pancake

1/28/2014 02:03:24 pm

@Butterflypuppy
Good Job! Some feedback is that you used mostly lower case "i"s not upper case "i"s. Also, you used "u"s for the word you. Lastly, when you put in the quote, you forgot quotation marks. For example you put,. As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. -John F. Kennedy. It should be, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John F. Kennedy. Over all great paragraph!

Butterflypuppy

1/29/2014 01:07:59 am

(REVISED)

How Smudge Came

First of all I would like to ask you do you like being treated with no respect? well I don't so today you can relate to someone in a story that’s called how smudge came. My big idea for the story is I think its about being nice to others and sometimes the favor will be returned. “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” -Bryant H. McGill
Second of all my examples of evidence for my big idea someone got the puppy back for Cindy and that Cindy got to keep the puppy at the hospice where people appreciate it. If I was Jan I would try to get the puppy back too. I also know someone like Cindy . A girl at my old school was like Cindy her name was Stella. Stella is like Cindy because Stella is dyslexic and i don't think she can read either.” As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” -John F. Kennedy
In conclusion to my paragraph will you think more about being nice to others and be respectful?

Fish sticks

1/31/2014 12:10:07 am

@ Butterflypuppy- I like your post but In the second sentence "well" needs to be a capital and I noticed that the paragraph didn't flow very good. I think in some places you should change a period into a transition word because they help with the flow of our paragraphs.

:D

princesa

1/28/2014 08:04:45 am

don't forget to post everyone

princesa link

1/28/2014 08:07:30 am

Sweet Clara and the Freedom Quilt
Have you ever felt free as the wind, you don’t have to work by force……..Well not in Claras live she is a young slave on her way to freedom. This story is about a young girl who is in slavery and comes up with a brave and daring escape plan. When clara was a little girl she was taken by people because they needed more farm hands. Now Clara is living with her aunt on the farm where there quarters are. Her aunt shows Clara how to sew and then she becomes a seamstress in the masters house. Then she hears about the underground railroad and then she sews a small patch of blanket to a dress and there she had it a map that she could make to get to the underground railroad. For example she says “Then one day i was sewin; a patch on a pretty blue blanket. th the patch looked just the same shape as the cow pond near the cabins.The little stitches looked like a path going all around it. here is was--a picture that wouldnt was away a map” that was the start of Clara’s map and every so often she would have people tell here where some of the places where for her map. Then one day it was finished she told jack and showed her aunt. Her aunt told her to go and she would cover for her and she took Jake and they left the quilt behind for others.They stopped to get Clara's mom and her baby sister so they could take her with them to Canada so they can be free. That is what I think the big idea is, what do you think it is????

Icestone

1/28/2014 11:06:40 am

@ princesa - Great job, but I would take away all the dots and all the question marks. Also, remember to capitalize 'Clara' and put an apostrophe when you pluralize something. You've only put some examples, you should put in some statistics/quotes. In the second sentence, I think you mean 'life' and not 'live'. And put a period after 'live'. It also seems like you're taking about a part of the book, and then going back to talk about a part at the beginning. Remember to stay on topic, and capitalize the first letter of each sentence. Finally, I really like your intro, but your conclusion could be a little more exciting.

Ichigo

1/28/2014 08:56:22 am

@ Mr. Hong- Tisk tisk tisk, you didn't bold the first letter of the message like the rest of it is. That is the fourth time that I helped a teacher with writing. :)

All four were you.... :)

Crimson Elite

1/28/2014 08:58:10 am

@Ichigo - Not everyone is perfect.

Ichigo

1/28/2014 09:01:53 am

True.... It's just fun for me to give the teacher feedback.

princesa

1/28/2014 01:12:08 pm

Still it is really mean to some people

Cookielover

1/28/2014 09:05:20 am

Sweet Clara and the Freedom quilt

WOW! That book was awesome it was about Respect, Slavery and Freedom also it was all in one book. That book was about a girl named Clara and she was taken from her mother and went to a different farm. I think the big idea is that if you want freedom you’ll have to get it your self. Harriet Tubman - “ I freed a thousand slaves and could have freed a thousand more if I know they were slaves.” In the next paragraph I will talk about Harriet Tubman, Evidence for the big idea and background Knowledge.

Firstly, in the book Clara made a quilt that helped tons of people but no white people helped her so she had to work with the other slaves so she could escape. When the quilt was done, she left the quilt behind so others could use it but she never know that it would hundreds of people. Secondly, Clara was sort of like Harriet Tubman in a way because Clara helped hundreds of slaves and Harriet saved thousands of slaves, also Harriet went back and forth to help people. Thirdly, Clara did not get help from the white people so she and the slaves had to work together to escape slavery when people came by they will tell her stuff. Fourthly, When i was in Grade five we learned about slavery and about Harriet Tubman. When we learned about slavery we watched videos about it.

Lastly, I thank everyone who reads this, also I hope that everyone who reads this likes it!
Thank you again for reading my paragraph!

Ichigo

1/28/2014 09:31:19 am

Great job on your Novel Approach response. There is only a few more things to point out.

SPELLING: You did not need to capitalize respect, slavery, and freedom. Yourself is one word (you split it up). You didn't need to capitalize "when" after you started a sentence with fourthly. But, you should of capitalized "I" after you put the capitalized "When".

Transitions: You did put transition words, but you could of put better one than firstly, secondly, thirdly, fourthly, and lastly.

STRUCTURE: Your hook needs some work on the grammar, and it could be more interesting. A suggestion for that would be to put: WOW! Sweet Clara and the freedom quilt was a heart filling book. It explained some of the things that are important and our rights.

Above was just my example.

Supporting sentences: You could of put better transition words like I already said. You also could have put another quote, or maybe a updated statistic of how slavery is going.

Concluding Sentence: You could of made it better by putting a clincher involving slavery, freedom, and respect which could of made us want to learn more about it. You also shouldn't repeat something like you did when you thanked us twice. Don't worry though. I repeat myself to.

cookielover

1/28/2014 10:31:51 am

THANKS FOR THE FEED BACK>

Cookielover

1/28/2014 10:32:49 am

Sorry hit caps lock.

Juliette

1/28/2014 10:47:29 am

Maybe you could put a break in between your paragraphs.You might also want to include what you were talking about in your other paragraphs and make your paragraphs bigger. Other then that GOOD Job I love your intro paragraph.

cloud barston

1/28/2014 12:08:31 pm

I like your hook because it caught my attention and made me what to read more.

Ichigo

1/28/2014 09:10:04 am

“ Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized.” Was a quote by Albert Einstein when he was alive to explain to the people that respect and kindness was needed for others.

Cindy was a girl who seemed to really care for others. It was nice to find out she took care of people too. Not only that but she gave up an adorable dog for the sick at the hospice. Additionally, a quote by Audrey Hepburn was, “For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” For sure, that was something that had to be heard. Above all, evidence in the book shows that Cindy helped take care of the hospice, and she was very kind and generous to the people there by letting them play with the dog. Most importantly, I learned from this book. It taught me that you always need to respect others and make sure you’re always being kind towards others. Additionally, Cindy learned to make the smart decisions when finding something like a dog that she finds outside.
Equally important, it taught us all a lesson.

Butterflypuppy

1/30/2014 08:40:24 am

@ Ichigo

spelling: I done see any spelling mistakes.

In your different sections some transition words you can use are for example, firstly, fisrst of all, ect...

I like how right after your intro how you say what kind of person Cindy is.

SAM

1/30/2014 10:15:51 am

I really enjoy your quote / hook. Because no one else has done it as I've seen. And your spelling and grammar is almost perfect. Althought you could use some more commas. Just to spread out your sentences. And you could structure your paragraphs a bit more, and maybe make your hook flow into your paragraph better.

Mr. Hong

1/28/2014 09:10:06 am

@ Ichigo - Thank you for the feedback!

Ichigo

1/28/2014 09:32:52 am

@ Mr. Hong - You're welcome.

Theoverseeker link

1/28/2014 10:23:20 am

From a theory of treat others the way you want to be treated you can take how smudge came and put the two together and then you can see that the story and the quote both match up to form the big idea. I found this out because during the whole of the story there was a bunch of caring and giving involved like giving smudge a home and taking care if Ned in the hospice and Ned finding and giving the puppy back to Sidney when she lost smudge to an animal shelter.

Theoverseeker (REVISED) link

1/30/2014 09:29:01 am

Imagine this, you are a puppy lost in a cold rainy day trying to scavenge for food that others haven't found yet. Digging up trash cans searching in dumpsters until you hear the gasp of a girl staring at you in shock. How smudge came is another way to emphasize treat others how you want to be treated. I think that quote in particular is the big idea of how smudge came because, throughout the story there were some parts of the story where there was a lot of of things that certian people did for others that made the others like them for it and repay them in a way that wouldn't be overdoing it. For example from the story Sindy worked in a hospice helping an ill child named Ned who she cares for and does things for until the time comes we're she can't do anything anymore. And in return for taking care of Ned, when Sindy lost smudge because of her parents calling animal controll and taking smudge to an animal shelter. Ned got smudge back and bring him to her so that she would be happy again. In conclusion with all of my background knowledge and info from the book I can finally determine that the big idea is to treat others the way you want to be treated.

Crimson Elite

1/30/2014 09:29:59 am

@Theoverseeker - I like your post but the I do not get the first sentence and it is a bit too long. You have 1 example so you need 2 other supporting sentences as well. A question I have is who is Ned and Sidney? One last thing you could do to improve is add more transition words to make it flow.

gaia

1/28/2014 10:48:12 am

Sweet Clara
and the
Freedom Quilt

You are taken away from your mama,never to see her again so you can work the fields with no pay except just enough food and uncomfortable bed to stay in, you start sewing a map to freedom from tidbits of information on the land, when its done will you be able to follow the path and risk getting killed? Well sweet clara would she new of a place where she would be free she would be an equal, I think that's te big idea of the story. The reason I think this Is beacuase she is a slave but she then starts making a quilt that's a map to "freedom" ( to a place where she will find the freedom train which will take her to Canada. I have heard about the freedom train before from a book my classmates have read last year, this short story reminded me of Iqbal (the book) in more ways than one but one wy was that Clara reminded me of Iqbal (the character) in that thy are both confident enough to try and get their freedom, they both succeeded.
One thing I learned from discussing this story with a group was a bunch of different things like their views,which helped widen my view

SAM

1/28/2014 10:59:44 pm

You had a few spelling mistakes like "thy" instead of "they" but overall you did great for the givens.
You should have added more transition words to make your story flow better and make the reader read more.
Your hook was great, although it could be better with some transitin words.
I liked the way you structured your story, although the concluding Sentances are kinda mixed in with the story. I cannot exactly tell what's the ending and what's the overview.
But overall you did great!

Juliette

1/28/2014 10:51:18 am

How Smudge Came

LI: I CAN CREATE A THOUGHTFUL PERSONALIZED RESPONSE THAT CLEARLY DEMONSTRATES MY UNDERSTANDING AND OPINION ABOUT THE BIG IDEA OF A PIECE OF WRITING.

“Do Unto others as you would have them do unto you.-The Golden Rule” We read a book about Called “How smudge came”. The big idea was The golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

Firstly, Many people who receive hospice care have cancer, while others have heart disease, dementia, kidney failure or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. The main character is Cindy and she works at a hospice. Cindy is very kind, caring and respectful to all the people who live or work at the hospice. Cindy loved her job and took much pride in her work. Next I will talk to you about my connections and background knowledge.

Secondly, My background knowledge was knowing what a hospice sort of place would look like because I was in the hospital a lot when my great grandfather was about to pass. A connection that I made was how Cindy felt when the people took the dog away from her and then gave it back to her. My connection was how I have lost my dog before. Therefore all I wanted to do was see my dog again because I missed her a lot. Finally after almost 2 months a nice lady found her and brought her back to us. After that I was so happy and thankful to the lady who found her. Now that I have

Last but not least, Just like Cindy I learnt that being respectful and kind can make a huge impact on how others feel about you. If Cindy was rude and impolite to her co-workers and the people at her hospice I don’t think they would have rewarded her with giving her the dog (Smudge) back. I think that the lesson of the story was important for people to know because being kind and respectful is a huge part of life. I mean after all who wants to hire a rude and disrespectful employee.

In conclusion Cindy works at the hospice and the people at the hospice rewarded Her by allowing her to keep the dog named Smudge, I made a connection about how I felt when I lost my dog And that I think that Cindy learnt that being respectful and kind to others pays off. Do you think the world would be a better place if everybody was as caring kind and respectful as Cindy?

Mr. Hong link

1/29/2014 12:01:10 am

@ Juliette - I'm happy to see that you included the learning intention in your post! You always need a destination if you're going to reach a location! :-)

Juliette

1/30/2014 01:22:00 pm

FEEDBACK (for myself)
1.) I think that maybe next time I could read over my paragraph and make sure that all the sentence are complete
2.) Maybe I could add some transition words and make it AMAZING :P
3.) I also think I could add some more details to my ideas

Yogi Bear

1/28/2014 11:06:29 am

How Smudge Came

I don't know about you, but being nice makes me feel good. I thought the big idea of How Smudge Came was treating people the way you want to be treated. For example, Cindy is always nice and caring for all the people in the hospice house, and when she lost Smudge, Jan and Carmen realized how much Cindy loved him, and got Smudge back. The story makes me think about a lady named Elma. Elma lived in my great grandma’s retirement home and she was so kind and sweet, we would always visit her when we went to see my grandma. We enjoyed seeing her and invited her to join our family for cake when we celebrated my great grandma’s birthday. According to http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/, being kind makes you happier. It actually makes your body produce serotonin, which is a hormone that makes you feel good. In conclusion, being kind to others has only positive results. What kind things have you done?

Judy Moody

1/28/2014 11:45:12 am

I think you did a good job although:

1) Spelling: I don't think there were any spelling errors

2)Transition words: for transition words, I think you could have added a couple more at the beginning of some of the sentences. Such as, furthermore, in addition to, but, although....

3) Structure: I think you had pretty good structure, although instead of just going straight in to the big idea, you could have talked more about the story (short summary).

4) supporting sentences: you had an example, a statistic but you didn't have a quote, so you could have added a quote about kindness.

5) clincher: you had a pretty good clincher, but maybe you could make it sound a little more interesting.

I think you have a great response all together:)

Icestone

1/28/2014 11:09:52 am

Just imagine. Being with your family, poor but still happy and free as can be. But your happiness is crushed by rich and greedy people, taking you and forcing you to work until your hands hurt. Would you run away? Or would you stay, and continue working and never seeing your family for the rest of your life? I would run, and leave the slavery behind me. Just like Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” To illustrate, when Clara was taken away from her family she didn’t let it bring her down, and ran away back to her mother and sister. Just like in “Journey to the River Sea”, when Bernard, who was shy, ran away from his tough family. They had beaten him, trying to get him to toughen up. But not even the worst things would let him down, and one day he ran away to live on his own. To sum up, people don’t like their freedom taken away. Slavery is wrong, and people have a right to live without it.

Fish sticks

1/29/2014 12:59:01 am

@Icestone - WOW! That was really really really good! I actually could not find anything to improve on and I mean it. (But it could be just me).

:D :D

Icestone

1/30/2014 09:57:46 am

@ Fish Sticks - Thank you! It means a lot. :)

Yogi Bear

1/28/2014 11:27:26 am

@Mr.Hong- What is the "Canadian Ninja" challenge?

Destiny1445

1/28/2014 11:29:12 am

Sweet Clara And The Freedom Quilt
How would you feel if you were to be taken away from your family and put to work in a feild all day everyday when being treated like a piece of trash, I know I would feel horrible and so does sweet Clara and her story to Freedom.
Sweet Clara was a slave and was treated like a nobody and other black people are like that too. I think in this story there is a message and that is that just because your black doesent mean you should get to do the dirty work and be treated bad for example, If a white guy went to a bathroom then a black guy would haved to go somewhere elso like on the side of the road,shop or even garbage my point is the slavery thing sucks for black people and why should they suffer its not a big deal.
Anyway that Is the main story of Sweet Clara And The Freedom Quilt and if you want the details go to your local library and see if they have the book or even go online to see if they have it. Bye for now!!!!

Icestone

1/30/2014 10:01:50 am

Good job, but you could have made your first sentence shorter, it's kind of run-on. Also, some of the sentences don't make sense, and you spelled 'doesn't' the wrong way. Other than that, it's pretty good!

Judy Moody

1/30/2014 10:17:48 am

I think you did a good job on your writing, but maybe you could add some more transition words to make the sentences flow abut better.

Gooner

1/30/2014 11:22:10 am

It was really good but maybe you should have looked closely at your spelling and double check it. You should also try to put in more transition words.

Judy Moody

1/28/2014 11:35:11 am

How smudge came

“If theres one thing Cindy knows, its how to be kind”. Cindy was a kind girl who lived in a group home with a couple other kids and she worked at a hospice (a hospice is a home giving care to the sick and terminally ill). She was very kind to the patients, and went the extra mile to help them. Cindy then found a dog on the street, named it Smudge, then took it home. Although, she was not allowed to keep it because she couldn’t work at the hospice and take care of the dog at the same time. Therefore, she needed to give the dog to the SPCA, and she was feeling really depressed. On the bright side, some of the patients wanted to give her the favor back, so they got Smudge back and now smudge can live at the hospice with the patients. Finally, they live happily ever after and every time Cindy goes to work at the Hospice, she gets to see smudge.
I thought that the big idea of this story was to be kind to others and respect everyone you meet. "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and blind can see"-Mark Twain

Pancake

1/29/2014 01:08:19 am

@Judy Moody
Good Job on your paragraph! It was very interesting! Here is some feedback on it, one thing you could do is make your supporting sentences more clear. When you read it there it is a hard to tell when the introduction stops. Maybe add quotes and statics to make the supporting sentences more clear. Also, you could add more to your conclusion to finish it off a little bit more. Like add a question at the end. Over all great paragraph! I really did enjoy reading it!

SkaterBoi

1/28/2014 11:44:57 am

Oh sweet Clara she got took away from her family just to become a slave how would you feel if you got took away from your mom and your other family members know one will like that I would be so scared if Iwas far away from my whole family. But Clara is brave and she has courage and she will not give up just trying to escape. She had to do nasty work with grose materials. Some things she was doing were not grose like this girl named aunt Rachel taught her how to sow quilts. Maybe she looked around at that place she was in to find an escape. So she made a map but what did she make the map out of? Maybe she made it by making the quilts or drew on the ground with a stick where know body could see it. She found a rail road that heads to Canada. I think that railroad she added to her map so she had a chance to escape. When she escaped the people that took Clara away found the map and there on their way to get her. But sweet Clara is brave she knows she is not going back to that nasty place again.

Destiny1445

1/29/2014 01:09:34 am

@ skaterboi
Your story is great but there are some mistakes in your paragraph so watch out about that otherwise your paragraph was really good

ATV BOY

1/29/2014 01:16:39 am

@Skaterboi, Good structure, Although I did see you misspelled laws. Also I thought that you could've made a more interesting hook along with a better conclusion. The hook was not as exiting it is mostly just a question you could have a little bit more emphasize in it. For the conclusion, you could have a deeper conclusion because it is just ending it of with nothing to think of, you could have it end with a question and ask why your oa deeper thought of the reader.

Gaia

1/30/2014 01:30:18 pm

Good paragraph! But there are a few mistakes,like in your first sentence two words were pushed together (I-was) and there were a couple spelling mistakes.
Oh! and at the end I think you might have gotten confused because at that part of this story it said it helped other slaves get there not the people who enslaved her,or maybe I miss read it if I did sorry for the inconvenience

cloud barston

1/28/2014 12:04:50 pm

A sad puppy story? not exactly, how smudge came has some points that are the main ideas of the story. For example, my opinion of the main ideas are, kindness brings happiness, if you are a good friend to your friends and you help them out, they will help out you and if you be kind to others others will probably be kind to you. I think the story was interesting because of the events that happened, like how smudge was put in the spca and her co-workers and friends got smudge back. So do you think that how smudge came is just a sad puppy story? I think not.

ATV BOY

1/28/2014 01:44:37 pm

@Cloud Barston, Good job on your paragraph you put a lot of good thoughts into it. Although, I did see you had some Capitals errors Like Smudge and SPCA. You could have a more interstation hook because if you read it sounds a little unexpressive maybe you could put more emphasize into it that would make it sound way more catching and interesting. One thing that was good I saw was that you used a good amount of Transition words. Great Job overall though!

SkaterBoi :( :I :) :D

1/29/2014 01:09:05 am

@ CloudBarston - Your paragraph was really good but you should of added more strong detailed sentences. It is also good that you put punctuations and had no spelling errors keep it up! :-)

Tarantula

1/28/2014 12:21:54 pm

You just escaped from a farm you were a slave people are looking for but you have no idea when or if they will find or if you’ll make it to Canada. Wow that would be crazy it must have been hard for clara, she was so young and she ran away from her slavery unit she is one brave girl. also, she help a lot people escape from their slavery unit because she made that quilt and she had willpower to leave it there. Did she know that she would help so many slaves probably not but she did which was the really good part but why would people have slaves and why didn’t they do the work themselves? “Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”-Martin Luther King Jr. this is related to this story because clara took that step even though she didn’t 100% know she would make it. Also she took that step by not knowing exactly where to go. acording to abolitionmedia.org 27 million slaves are working in the world today that’s a lot and they should not have to do that. a connection I had was I read the book freedom train and it talked about the underground railroad and in the book they mentioned the underground railroad as well.
Well I hope those people learned their lessons and stop and let them free or else we might have a problem. I'm glad she did all that and she staid strong and didn't give up.

Cookielover

1/29/2014 01:06:33 am

@ Tarantula I really liked your opening hook it made me really want to read more! Also you did not capitiliz slavery and freedom train and Clara in the second sentence. But you could have made a space between your intro and supporting sentences.

Teddy beat

1/30/2014 11:30:57 am

I like your story but you need to change spelling
Acording to according

Pancake

1/28/2014 12:25:34 pm

How Smudge Came
“What goes around comes around.” That is a very common saying and is the basic big idea of How Smudge Came. How Smudge came shows that if you are kind and nice to people they will be nice and kind back to you. For example, Cindy cleaned the hospice for everybody and was very kind and nice to everybody. When they people took Smudge (the puppy) away from her, the people from the hospices got her puppy back. “Not only do I think nice and kind is easy but being kind, in my opinion, is important.” That is what Dwayne Johnson says and I think that is very true. Being nice and kind is easy and benefits everybody, if someone is nice and kind to you. You want to be nice and kind to them. To conclude, I think the lessons learned is that if you be nice to people, they will be nice back to you. Are you kind to others?
Sources:http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/being_nice.html

Crimson Elite

1/29/2014 01:20:47 am

Good job on your paragraph but you should make a more exciting hook. I also think you could use more transition words because I don't see any. You had no spelling errors and everything else was good.

Spongebob

1/30/2014 09:28:28 am

@Pancake,
Good paragraph, but like @Crimson Elite said, maybe get a more exciting hook. Also add more transitions. But you also could try to put in a statistic aswel.

ATV BOY

1/28/2014 01:38:52 pm

Do you like being kind? Well… I have the best story for you! It is called “How Smudge Came” It is about a disabled girl named Cindy, she had a dog named smudge and she also worked at the hospice. She loved her dog so much. But one day the SPCA came along and took her dog right from her room and say that she could not take care of it because it was to hard for her. So the people who lived at the hospice decided to help cindy find a way of getting her dog back but the SPCA building that her dog was at was far away so she had to take a bus, then she had to find a way of getting her dog. But when she was there the people who lived at the hospice decided that “all she did for us” “She cleaned the hospice as her job” we should get her dog back for her to do something good! So I thought that the main idea of the story was if you do something good for someone something good will come in return. Why should people be nice to each other by doing good things?

Yogi Bear

1/29/2014 01:13:12 am

Yogi Bear (Revised)

1/30/2014 11:43:01 am

1.) Spelling- You forgot to capitalize Smudge in the first sentence but other than that I'm pretty sure it was all good.

2.) Transitions words- I didn't see very many transition words in your paragraph so I think you could add some more of those.

3.) Structure

A.) Intro- I thought your intro/hook was pretty good but I thought that you could've made it a bit more detailed.

B.) Supporting Sentences- You didn't have any statistics or quotes so you might want to add some.

C.) Clincher- Instead of saying "Why should people be nice to each other by doing good things?", you could've said "Why do you think people should be nice to each other?".

Teddy bear

1/28/2014 01:44:09 pm

Respectful, kindful, nice, it is the adjective about the story ‘How Smudge Came’. In this story big idea is about be nice, respectful to others. First in this story big idea was be respectful and nice to others. In the story Cindy wants to stay with the dog but everybody doesn't respect cindy and send puppy to SPCA. According to goodreads.com ALbert einstein said “I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” I think it means who ever, we need to respectful and nice. For example I respectful to my mom, mom is respectful to me but when I dont respect my mom, she is mad at me.
To conclude this assay I like this book and respect other is important thing.

Destiny1445

1/29/2014 01:03:01 am

@ Teddybear great job but maybe you could put some more detail in it to make it like a bit bigger paragraph but very good job anyways :)

Pancake

1/30/2014 01:53:01 pm

@Teddy Bear
Good job! Some feedback is in your third sentence when you put "First" you could say "Firstly" or put a coma after "First" to make it flow better. Also you put "ALbert enistein" only the "A" in Albert should be a capital, and the "E" in Einstein should be a capital. Lastly when you said " For example I respectful to my mom..." you should say "For example I will be respectful.." or " For example I will respect my mom.." Over all it was great!

SAM

1/28/2014 10:53:41 pm

How Smudge Came
Firstly I am going to ask you, what do friends mean to you? Friends don’t leave you in the cold dark rain to rot. Cindy had found this puppy and had care for him and brought him to loving home. I am going to tell you what caring friends are. Because Cindy sure knows what friends are… Especially because of the puppy that Cindy had found was one of her best friends she ever had. Cindy had the puppy that her Care Home did not like. They thought that the puppy was too big of a responsibility for Cindy and all. She had to go to work and was always doing chores and such. They just thought that Cindy didn’t have time for the puppy. Cindy was furious and sad at the same time. Once the dog was taken to the SPCA, Cindy travelled far to find and pick up the dog from the SPCA. She had found that the dog was no longer there. Someone has bought the dog… But who? Cindy was told to be at her work “Hospice House” first thing in the morning. Cindy was quite surprised when she had found out that her friends are the ones who bought the dog for cindy. Cindy gave respect and care to her friends and they gave respect and care back. When Cindy was happy, every one else was happy. Cindy has very great and caring friends that are willing to help. In addition to receiving care and respect from others, Cindy will always know to give caring and respect back to everyone else.

Oracle

1/29/2014 01:00:46 am

You explained the story really well and a great hook, but you might want to reduce using periods at some points because it seems like the story pause and plays too much. For example, Blah. The cow went. Moo.

SAM

1/29/2014 01:03:10 am

I did not do that at all... You don't seem to know what feedback to put.

Fish sticks

1/29/2014 01:07:23 am

I see what you are talking about Oracle but you shouldn't be so mean about it. Sam maybe you should add more transition words that will help your essay run smoothly.

SAM

1/29/2014 01:07:35 am

How Smudge Came
Firstly I am going to ask you, what do friends mean to you? Friends don’t leave you in the cold dark rain to rot do they? Cindy had found this puppy and cared for him and brought him to loving home. I am going to tell you what caring friends are, because Cindy sure knows what friends are… Especially because of the puppy that Cindy had found was one of her best friends she ever had. Cindy had the puppy that her Care Home did not like. They thought that the puppy was too big of a responsibility for Cindy and all. She had to go to work and was always doing chores and such. They just thought that Cindy didn’t have time for the puppy. Cindy was furious and sad at the same time once the dog was taken to the SPCA. Cindy travelled far to find and pick up the dog from the SPCA. She had found that the dog was no longer there. Someone has bought the dog… But who? Cindy was told to be at her work “Hospice House” first thing in the morning. Cindy was quite surprised when she had found out that her friends are the ones who bought the dog for cindy. Cindy gave respect and care to her friends and they gave respect and care back. When Cindy was happy, every one else was happy. Cindy has very great and caring friends that are willing to help. In addition to receiving care and respect from others, Cindy will always know to give caring and respect back to everyone else.

Oracle

1/29/2014 01:08:10 am

The part when it said "CIndy was furious and sad at the same time." made me a bit confused but still kept reading.

SAM

1/29/2014 01:10:47 am

Thank you Fish Sticks, I will be sure to add some more transition words.

SAM

1/29/2014 01:16:31 am

@Oracle, Thank you for the feed back Oracle, I had some wording wrong. Thank you

SAM

1/29/2014 01:20:39 am

≈REVISED≈
How Smudge Came
Firstly I am going to ask you, what do friends mean to you? Friends don’t leave you in the cold dark rain to rot. Cindy had found this puppy and had care for him and brought him to loving home. I am going to tell you what caring friends are, Because Cindy sure knows what friends are… Especially because of the puppy that Cindy had found was one of her best friends she ever had. Cindy had the puppy that her Care Home did not like. They thought that the puppy was too big of a responsibility for Cindy and all. She had to go to work and was always doing chores and such. They just thought that Cindy didn’t have time for the puppy. Cindy had a horrible sad and mad feeling at the same time once the dog was taken to the SPCA. Cindy had travelled far to find and pick up the dog from the SPCA. She had found that the dog was no longer there. Someone has bought the dog… But who? Cindy was told to be at her work “Hospice House” first thing in the morning. Although Cindy was quite surprised when she had found out that her friends are the ones who bought the dog for cindy. Cindy gave respect and care to her friends and they gave respect and care back. When Cindy was happy, every one else was happy. Cindy has very great and caring friends that are willing to help. In addition to receiving care and respect from others, and lastly Cindy will always know to give caring and respect back to everyone else.

Oracle

1/29/2014 01:24:02 am

I wasn't being so mean about it. :(

Oracle

1/30/2014 12:44:00 pm

@SAM, Your revised one was the way I liked it. it made me focus more on reading while trying to have dinner, I'm eating right now.

Fish sticks

1/28/2014 11:28:46 pm

Sweet Clara And The Freedom Quilt

What do you think would happen if you left a map behind for someone to use? Do you think it could save lives and give people freedom? If you said yes then you are right. The big Idea for Sweet Clara And The Freedom Quilt is that small things can and will make a difference.
Firstly, Clara was a slave a long time ago in the U.S.A and she wanted to be free. So Clara made a quilt that was actually a map.Clara had escaped with her friend, mom, and sister but she left the map back home with her aunt. By leaving the map she has given hundreds of slaves a chance at freedom.
Secondly, something I remember very distinctly was when I was reading a book about Harriet Tubman. (I just finished reading the book and all of a sudden I cut out a piece of paper and started writing these words on it.. Free Freedom Free Freedom over and over again until it filled the whole page then I cut out more paper and wrote WE ALL DESERVE IT! and glued it in the middle. Everybody asked what I was doing and all I said was “what do you think this meens”.) When I read about sweet Clara it reminded me about it very much. I guess because you think they will treat people different but really they all got whipped and spat on. When you say anything is not fair remember back then and try being the slaves then you will know what’s not fair.
Thirdly, I remember in the story when Clara said she was at her favorite place to be and that immediately thought about this little hill with perfect grass, the sun shining through the trees and the warmth wrapped around me. I also remembered when I was at summer camp. I was lying on the wood by the tower with laughter in one ear and music in the other. I smell the ocean and feel the warmth . Right now just talking about it makes me feel wonderful.
Lastly, I think Clara and I both learned that little things can and will make a difference all you have to do is try. My question for you is what will you do to help and where will it take you?

Crimson Elite

1/29/2014 12:01:14 am

@Fish sticks - Good job on your paragraph but I am not sure if it does have 3 supporting sentences. I also see a few transition words in there but I think that you could add a bit more. I liked your connection because it is pretty deep. One last thing that you could do to improve is to make your hook a bit more exciting. Other than that great job.

Oracle

1/29/2014 01:05:31 am

Wow, what a book! Have you ever thought of how slavery was like and how its like to escape? Today I will be explaining my response to the book Sweet Clara and the Freedom Quilt which was telling us about a little girl being a slave, and escapes! To start, I think the big idea was telling me that little things will make a bigger idea with a better picture. What I mean by that is the little ideas that come from the story will tell us a much bigger idea all together.
Now, the girl named Clara had been sent to a farm so the owners could earn some cash. For example, if the owner got Clara that means he or she owns her so she would do anything the owner will tell her to do like go get me some drinks or go to the crops and start hoeing the dirt and plant some seeds. This quote from Abraham Lincoln explained a really well message I will tell you after the quote, “Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.” I think what its trying to tell us is that if we deny freedom we don’t deserve it for ourselves.
In conclusion, I think we should all treat others respectfully not the way a bully would treat you because if you don’t respect others the nice way the way you treated them will be treated to you so its like karma. So, how nice will you treat everyone?

cloud barston

1/30/2014 11:35:24 am

your hook drew me in and interested me to read your paragraph and is very good. you gave the information to summarize the whole story and had no spelling or grammar errors. in my opinion this paragraph would be a 4 out of 4 rating!

Greg Heffley

1/30/2014 11:57:55 pm

I don't know where mine went so I will post again.

I’m almost positive you can step outside and walk down the street. You can leave home for a while and go to a friends. But now put yourself in Clara’s shoes. Working long hours and getting beaten if she left. No wonder she wanted to leave. But how could she do that with no knowledge of her surroundings? Clara worked in a sweatshop and couldn’t leave. She was stuck there for her entire life. 12 years of carrying and getting yelled at. She wanted to go to freedom. And she wanted to do something about it. She made a quilt that looked like a map. It was based on the hints people gave to get to the underground railroad. She could have taken the quilt with her. She didn’t have to leave it behind. But she did. That quilt that she left behind helped lead many other generations of slaves at that place get to canada or the Underground Railroad. She saved many slaves in her lifetime just by making a quilt. So small things can make a difference.

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TUESDAY: RESPONSE PARAGRAPH #1

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